IKEA - Train Wreck / Triple Black Ball (last reviewed July 20, 2009)

Yes, I know it's a furniture store and not a restaraunt. It was a desperate situation ... an 8-hour car ride from NC followed by a spontaneous furniture shopping trip (uggh) to IKEA. My remaining brain cells were impaired by lack of food so when I saw a photo advertising none other than Swedish meatballs, I was sold. We entered the chow line at 7:59PM, just one minute shy of closing time. Yes, another fatal mistake. I watched in horror as the last few meatballs were scraped from the bottom of the metal pan and slapped onto IKEA's finest bone china. In my delusion, I found time to dispense culinary advice to my bride to go with the chicken Caesar wrap. How could any one screw up the simple combination of lettuce, chicken and a tortilla? Well, when a big ol' bug jumps into the recipe, that's how. Despite nearly going blind from starvation, I spotted a dismembered thorax dangling, from a piece of lettuce, now being munched unsuspectingly by Dana. No one really knows what happened next but I think it might have gone something like this. Drawing on my Marine-like instincts, I responded swiftly, some might say bravely, to grab the remaining tortilla while emitting a gutteral yell. I ponced on the remaining bug parts and assembled them neatly on my bread plate, dispensing of the spongy mass without hesitation. With the expertise of a NASCAR mechanic, I reassembled the bug parts -- head, thorax, abdomen -- and then hunted down the manager. I demanded a complete refund and after what I thought was a snicker, the manager refunded me $2.48. Ahhh, vindication.

Amicci's (Little Italy) -- Great (Last reviewed 5/7/09)

Really. Who doesn't love Amicci's? I've been going to Amicci's when it was a one dining room campy, hard-to-get-a-seat place. Now that it's grown up with a cool bar area and multiple dining rooms, it still has a hon feel and great, reasonably priced food. It's hard to go there without recognizing a good deal of the lunch crowd, so the conversation has to be low. I like the lunch menu where you make your own pasta/sauce combo. Throw in a Caeser and an iced tea, ahhhh. Their special is always shrimp served in a bread bowl filled with a scampi sauce. Is it really a special, if it is something you serve everyday? In previous visits during crowded lunch hours, the host parked us in the back dining room that was like eating in a storage closet. It was so bad that we (me) requested a move to a high table in the bar area with the big screens. Can I just say that male hosts really don't belong in a restaurant as they routinely use bad judgment?
Depending on who you are dining with, the bread can present a big problem. It's freshly baked but it's not cut all the way through and requires a good amount of manhandling to separate the slices. If you are dining with Mr. Swiney, you may want to take the first piece or insist that they cover the bread with a napkin first.
DB

Lemongrass -- Great (Last reviewed May 1,2009)

Lemongrass is like an oasis in this part of the city -- a hip, Thai restaurant in what can only be an up and coming part of extended Harbor East. The larger than life Indian goddess greets you upon entry and makes you feel like just a little feller in downtown Bangkok. So being a huge Thai food fan, this place was destined for a good review. There was a steady lunch time crowd, an encouraging sign. The menu is very diverse, reasonably priced and Thai funky. I was probably blabbering too much and not focused on the menu so I defaulted to Chicken Pad Thai. I know this is like ordering a burger and fries in a diner but look people, I was under a lot of pressure. The earthy watress was growing understandably impatient after the third pass. They did a very nice job with this staple dish -- good size portion, a little on the sweet side, fresh and yummy. Ok, so a few digs. I was hoping for a little something over the top like hot tea but maybe I am confusing Chinese with Thai. Why would you build such a huge bar in the entryway? It kind of messes up my Thai karma ... why not a fountain or a Buddha dude, straw mats or something along those lines instead of a really long saloon style bar.

I was so intrigued by this place that I went back three days later for dinner. Equally good but I felt as if I was leaving my loyal followers a little short on jabs, so here's a few. I tried to go for the tea thing again and struck out. I got a beer glass with hot water and grocery store looking tea bag. Boo. Our server, more Pigtown than Thai, chose to wear a nasty kitchen towel around his waist. Hey buddy, good look if you are actually in the kitchen, not so much if you are serving. He seemed more familiar with the menu from KFC than Lemongrass. I had Red Curry which was awesome and unusual. I also sampled a little Drunken Noodle which was really tasty. As with lunch, I again had kalamari as an appetizer which was good but a little too rubbery for this world renowned critic.

Elevation Burger - Provisional Blackball (last reviewed Apr 26, 2009)

Elevation Burger has a few things going for it -- intriguing name, outdoor seating in Harbor East, a well organized menu and a rectangular cake pan for a tray (say what?). All of these good things, for the 4 loyal followers (props to Fabian for making it #4) are known to be irrelevant. I'll tell you what is relevant. Let's begin with the basics -- their "organic" burgers are too much like a Big Mac and lacked any taste. It was as if I was chewing a piece of beefy melba toast. To attempt to add flaver, we were discussing what the "Elevation sauce" could possibly be and we speculated that it was Thousand Island dressing which was later confirmed by the cashier. How lame! A worst deal in Baltimore -- adding a spindly order of shoe string (not manly steak cut) fries -- for a buck two fifty felt like I'd been robbed and I will not soon forget that jonesing. Unlike their blackballed cousin, 5 Guys (aka 3 Things), they fry their stamped out hamburger patties and fries in Olive Oil. They do have a big list of toppings, including carmelized onions, milkshakes and those funky trays which gets them barely off blackball. The frosty sensation, which I did not try, may be their only salvation but I did not partake. I'll let you know how that works out. -DB

Lebanese Taverna - so so (Apr 16, 2009)

Another prediction from Nostra-dorkus. This place will not be in business one year from now. Why? It's too nichey, not that good and in a really expensive location. The level of lunch time traffic, a key indicator, would lead you to believe nearby wharf rats had shown up on inspection day. Their menu was very mediterranean and not so much Lebanese. What is Lebanese food anyway? Khafta, schwarma ... hey this is the same menu from the Egyptian place. The appetizer bread was good, the chicken schwarma also good but ... not going to make the recommendation list with just good.

Schnapper's Hots (Sanibel, FL) - Excellent (Apr 6, 2009)

Once again, the "island effect" could be controlling my mind here because I actually ordered a hotdog (right, not a typo), fries and a milkshake. Uggh. The hotdog, or /hot-dug/ as we like to say in B'more, was actually a request from my kids but I had a chomp of that dug just the same. I have to give it to Mr. Schnapps for his marketing acumen. Clever that he has capitalized on the island effect by placing little scraps of paper for people to post their accolades on the walls alongside authographed photos of the likes of Chris Berman snarfing down a dug (imagine that). Not to overstate things, but this marketing ploy seems to have created a bit of cult following with people claiming to have come for each one of their last yy years and came all the way from Scotland and other fictitious places. He boasts awards for best take-out from a hokey organization in Sanibel. He does, however, make a tasty, bun extending dog, excellent fries and a deadly milkshake. So here's where I will actually solicit a little input (a second sacred cow slain in the same review!) on tipping. I don't think tipping is appropriate if I walk into the restaurant, place the order, pay, wait around for the food, and then eat standing up. Anyway, the dude taking my order was non-plussed by his no-tip on my first of two orders. To test my read on his nonchalant attitude, I sprung him about 30 cents or so from the change of the hotdug, and he perked up a bit with the slightest acknowldgement that I had rang his tip jar. Spanker, you work at a hotdog stand and you are over 40; you are not allowed to have an attitude. And get some stools; 2 of my kids sat underneath a table in the windowsills reaking havoc while the the 3rd tried to poke a hole in the glass to get their attention.

Island Cow (Sanibel, FL) - Excellent (Apr 7, 2009)

So it could be that being on Spring Break on a tropical island has some degree of influence on how well a restaurant rates. In any case, the Island Cow in Sanibel, FL has a funky tropical/southern menu, prompt service (once you get past the initial long wait ... a good sign), and excellent food. I had fried oysters in horseradish sauce and an icy cold beer. They were served fresh in the shell with all kinds of dipping sauces. The price was very reasonable for Sanibel ($13ish) and the portions were manly (16 oysters). I snuck a few bites of cheesy grits which were also really tasty. I also got up close and personal with the trash area (a key criteria for those newbies) as we waited and played a few, frustrating games of the island ring toss game. A few comments for management who will undoubtedly be reading this blog the second I press publish. The waitress was insanely fast which prompted me to begin ordering things one at a time just for fun. Lighten up sister. Very annoying was a bent tine on the oyster fork which left my mouth confused with each bite. On second thought, I kind of liked it.

MaGerk's - Good (Feb 27)

MaGerk's is an established name on the Cross Street Market bar scene. A couple of the natives from Philly wanted to see how Baltimore rated on cheesesteaks, so here we are. This place was most definitely a bar that served food and not a restaurant that serves drinks. In a good-spirited way, they cobbled together a collection of chairs, wobbly tables, and plastic lawn furniture for our group of 12 or so. The cheesesteaks, item #1 on the menu, were served on a toasted roll, apparently a faux pas, for those in the know. That didn't bother me but the cheesesteak itself was good but not worth writing about. One of our fellow diners ordered the #1 with ketchup. When it arrived without ketchup and there were two bottles of ketchup sitting on the table, I enjoyed the silence as we pondered how this oversight was presenting a problem. We ordered wings as starters and although not a big wing fan, I found those to be tastier than the cheesesteaks. I would come here for drinks but not cheesesteaks and thus, MaGerk's narrowly escapes a blackball.

Pazzaluna (St. Paul) - Good but overrated

Another review from the Arctic Tundra of St. Paul. This place was hyped heavily from "The St. Paul" hotel staff to the locals. It's a fancy place with a funky pasta menu and an incredible bar. The staff was attentive but it suffered on the quality of the food. Suddenly, I am feeling like Anton Ego from Ratatouille. We ordered bruschetta -- peach, tomato, mushroom. Funky but not so tasty. I also mistakenly ordered a martini with walnut liquer, not so good. The entrees were good but not great. I had an angel hair pasta with shrimp. Maybe it was the martini that zapped by taste buds but it just was ordinary and not up to the hype around this restaurant. The coffee came out tepid and the tiramisu was lacking. All in all, not a bad experience but come on St. Paul, we need a mac-daddy restaurant.

Gabe's Roadhouse (St. Paul) - Blackball

Now that I have been spending a little quality time in St. Paul, MN, I think it only fair that I pass on reviews to the one follower of my blog who coincidentally has previous lived there (thanks, Julie ... touching). So the new Gabe's owner, Skeeter, is a great guy ... nice, enthusiastic, looks just like Rodney Dangerfield and friendly (especially to my female lunch guests). He even gave us a couple of free dinner passes, too bad they were for his restaurant. That's right, he don't get any respect here either. The problem with Gabe's as with most blackballed establishments is multi-faceted. Where do I start? Let's see, well it's in the coldest place I have ever been in my life. Secondly, it had substandard food, long waits, pricey food, and rated low on the clean scale. On this last item, there was more lipstick on the glasses than Clinton's shirt collars. Geez, it was also different shades from different lips. The were nearly opaque from the coating of rinse water spots. Really nasty. The taco salad with "chicken" was bad news and was nearly returned to sender but we had kept her busy with the nasty glasses. And those familar with the column, have already noted the "all you can eat buffet" automatic disqualifier. It was further compounded by a curious selelction of pulled pork and other meat byproducts and tucked away in a distant corner of the restaurant. Creepy, wierd, nasty.

Hunan Manor - Great

This Zagat rated Chinese restaurant in Columbia, MD is at the top of my list and meets all the criteria. They seem to always have a short wait, even during off hours, but it's worth it. Picture this place as the opposite of Ding How -- great menu, even cheaper lunch specials, clean, awesome egg rolls and a dining room that doesn't have the humidity of a sauna. Ok, back to Hunan Manor. The wonton soup was a monster size bowl and delish. The egg roll was a little corn doggy with an unusual doughy exterior but was also very good. And the Hunan Manor Chicken was spicy, tangy and awesome. Like most Chinese restaurants, they barely made eye contact but were fast and efficient. The real aquariums are on par with the National Aquarium's. Love this place!